At the time I thought this drug was going to complete my life and for a short while I loved it. But by the age of eighteen my life was a mess, I was out of my house and living in squalor. Selling and using as much Heroin as I could by now I couldn’t even go one day without Heroin, the drug I thought I loved was killing me. I felt possessed and had no will for life – I wanted to die. I tried everything to stop but to no avail until at the age of 21 and my second time in treatment I got the opportunity of going to Medugorje.
This was something I was very sceptical about, as God was something I didn’t have any belief in. In the end I decided I would give it a try. I went, a non-believer and never expected to come back any different. This was not the case while over there I found myself praying, walking stony mountains in my bare feet and felt a love and happiness I never felt before in my life. I knew from then on that I would never have to be alone again and would never have to use a drug as long as I lived. I realized what I had been missing was God in my life, my spirit had been darkened by drugs and Medugorje awakened a spirit in me I never knew existed.
Today that spirit lives on and has enabled me to live a happy, drug and alcohol free life. Without this awakening the life I have now would not be possible. My one wish today is to return to Medugorje in thanks to Our Lady and the Lord for the life I have been given today.
We said the rosary while climbing. In fact, we said the rosary a lot that week. It formed a kind of bond within the group I feel. We visited the Cenaclo Community and a kid’s orphanage where we could see God’s work being done. I found the climbs special but also the Apparition of Our Lady to Marija. It is hard to pick a high point but this was one of them. Something was kicked off in me that there is a whole lot more for me to experience through believing.
On returning to Ireland, it has been a challenge. I was afraid I would return to my hectic routine so as to close the door on God; at times I have, but, I am not going to give up on myself and I am going to keep the door open to God.
My name is Darren. I am a recovering drug addict. I am 30 years of age, and come from a family of nine, three brothers, three sisters, mother, father, and most importantly myself. I come from a drug addictive background; my two parents are alcoholics and have been for most of my life. I also have other family members in active addiction.
I left school when I was thirteen, and got up to all sorts of things; some alright, most not alright, like getting into trouble and breaking the law. It wasn’t long till I started slowly getting into different drugs.
I left my family home at sixteen and moved up to Ballymun with my Da’s friend, his girlfriend and two young kids, in a one bedroom flat. It suited me fine but by now I was getting into trouble with the law and eventually went to prison. I was still sixteen.
From that day on, drugs, crime, and prisons were to be the center of my life, and all the trouble and pain that goes with them. At that stage in my life it was all I knew, and all I wanted to know. I went on a journey throughout my life causing a lot of pain, hurt, sadness, and anger towards people. If the truth be known I caused myself the most pain.
While on that journey I was taken to some dreadful places, but that was slowly changing for the better and it felt good. I felt good at times in active addiction but this time was different. I was clean, drug free, what me? I thought I would never see the day. I believed for a long time that I was going to die a drug addict, so this feeling of being clean and free was powerful.
When I was asked to go to Medugorje it was like yes, yes, nice holiday far away with some peace and believe me did I need it, especially after what I put myself and others true in active addiction. I have to be honest in the back of my mind I hadn’t a clue where I was going or what I was going to be doing. There was just this sense and feeling of peace from the time I was asked to the time leading up to when we were going. I was really nervous, fearful and scared at times because where I was going was like another world. Out of the bad and into the good.
I was only ever in a church a couple of times throughout my life. I was in them on other occasions but I wasn’t praying. God, mass, or praying wasn’t mentioned or practiced in our home while I was growing up. I certainly didn’t hear it anyway!
The week before we were going to Medugorje we all met up and went to church in Mount Merrion, all thirteen of us. The mass was beautiful and after it we chatted and went over some things about the trip. It was nice and relaxed so as time got closer I got really excited and couldn’t wait to go.
The day came, 28/9/05, we all meet up in the airport. It was really good seeing everyone and it felt good. We were in the airport for a good few hours and made the most of it. Our flight finally arrived and so we were of. I was only ever on a plane once before and wasn’t in the right frame of mind… drugs! so this time I was a little nervous but felt good. I had a great time on the plane going over. It was long but worth while.
When we got to Dubrovnik it was late, dark and really hot. We had another three hours on the coach. The scenery on the way was beautiful; there were miles of silent water along the coastline, calm dark skies and bright lights. It was the first time I ever tried to say the rosary on that coach. Part of me was saying f%$* this! and the other part was saying join in; so that’s what I did, now and again, I joined in!
When we got to Medugorje it was very late but as soon as I got of that coach I could feel the peace. We all had a little chat and something to eat. We got our rooms and roommates, then we were sorted. I went for a little stroll with one of the lads up the main street and it was silent in a strange noisy way, just the sound of the crickets nothing else but silence.
Putting into words how beautiful, peaceful, and special it was at times is quite difficult, because I experienced a lot of peace of mind and contentment while in Medugorje. I can honestly say that one of the things that will stay with me throughout my life is that peace of mind and the freedom from my head. It was priceless!
I have to be honest, a few days into the whole thing I was getting very tired from all the praying, sight seeing, going here going there but it was worth every minute. I was very surprised how I reacted to the whole thing. I got very involved, was always where I was meant to be although my thinking was strange at times. I was quite relaxed, very open and willing after all “it is only a week out of my life” I was saying to myself.
Writing this now and thinking to myself, remembering the peacefulness, happiness, and laughter, it felt we were all like a big happy family. The whole week was a very special week and we had great fun also. It wasn’t all about praying, we went to an outdoor pool a couple of times and had a great laugh. We played volleyball, went shopping and most days and most nights after a long calm beautiful day we went for something to eat. It was lovely! There would always be a good few out of the group there, we would chat about our day and have a laugh.
I was struggling with the word God before I went to Medugorje. Although I was doing a lot of spiritual things in my life like, praying a little, being kind, caring, responsible, respectable, honest, eating healthy, exercising, remaining drug free, I couldn’t, no wouldn’t mention the word God. I was very aware of it and it was powerful. When I was praying it was like, do it for the sake of it and get it over with. I have to be honest I can still be like that at times but the difference now is I know I need a good in my life, and also I want one! We had a priest with us in our group. He was a great support throughout the week and I have to say extremely funny, he new how to have a laugh.
The highlights of my week in Medugorje itself were seeing the visionaries, Marija, Vicka, Ivan, and also listening to Father Jozo giving his speech. It was very powerful, and then he went around giving a healing-blessing to everyone. Then there was the little village where father Svet and the sisters looked after orphaned children from the war. We went to mass there and a few of the lads out of the Cenacolo community treatment center were there. I had a great laugh with the kids who were all very lively and seemed like they were happy. The mass was lovely.
Then we climbed the hills. First it was the hill of the Apparitions (Podbrodo) where we prayed the rosary going up. Next it was Mt Krizevac (cross mountain) and the stations of the cross. The night before we all picked one of the stations and when we got to the one we picked, we talked a little about why we picked it. I chose the eighth station, do not do for me what you could do for your own children. I chose that station because of the life I had growing up using drugs, breaking the law, violence, prison, and all the pains, hurts, emotions and loneliness that go with that. I strongly feel that a mother and child are very special to each other. It is very important they get the love, affection and support as young children that they will need throughout their life. When we got to the second station I started to get a little emotional because I knew what I was about to talk at station eight. When we arrived at the eighth station I just sat there and reflected back. I said a prayer to myself for all the kids in the world. I talked and cried, talked and cried; it was beautiful, I felt very content and fulfilled. It was also great to listen to the rest of the people’s stations.
The last climb was the blue cross, a place of many apparitions of our lady. That felt like a real family thing! It was a beautiful evening, bright and sunny when we all got to the start of the hill. We all took off our shoes and socks and started to climb in our bare feet. That was grand for a while as it was bright and ok on the feet but then it started to get dark and tough on the feet. We all gave each other great support, hope and encouragement to get up that hill. I wanted to give up at times, but stuck it out and it was worth the struggle and pain to feel that sense of achievement. While at the top, we sat on the rocky hill in the pitch dark and sang songs, prayed, chatted, and listened as the apparition took place, it was beautiful and very emotional !
Fr Slavko’s grave was beautiful and very peaceful and special. He was a great person so I was told, a saint. Another memory that will stay with me is when we drove out of Medugorje to a church called The Sacred Heart Of Jesus. It was located on the side of a small mountain. The surroundings and grounds were beautiful, I say that with a passion. There were thirteen of us in that church and we had a mass in which we all got involved. I was up on the altar and said a reading for the first time in my life, the girls did the Holy Communion, and two others sang a song. It was lovely, and one of the lads sang a very personal song. I found the whole mass emotional.
What I am trying to say within all this is that Medugorje is a very special place and whatever I do in my life it will always stay special to me. I never thought I would see the day when I would be in a place like Medugorje, praying, meeting so many special people, walking mountains/hills, having fun, loving myself. I would like to thank the people that invited me to Medugorje, who gave me great support, and encouragement throughout my amazing experience. I will go back some day and that is for sure!
It’s funny how
things work, when I first heard about this website being built I decided to
write a little testimony myself without being asked, why, and probably more
importantly, when I would have actually got it finished, I don’t know. Then a
couple of days after that I got a phone call and during the conversation the
idea of a testimony was put to me and I of course was more than happy to write
it. So anyway, after all that, although I had decided to write something for
myself and ended up being asked to in the end, the only question that remains
in my mind is, who was it that actually asked me?
So here I am,
testimony to write and a blank screen in front of me………. OK, let’s start with a
brief introduction. My name is Simon, I’m 28 years old and this is my first
testimony!! I should point out that I’m going to be honest during this piece,
perhaps brutally so, and if I offend anyone this is not my intention and I
apologise in advance. My only intention while writing this is to convey what it
was like for me, a non catholic, non praying, non church going person, to go to
Medugorje. Also if it makes you think a little and maybe raises a few questions
in your mind, well that’s a bonus, albeit a welcome one.
I have known
Mark for a few years now and we at first had a good, if slightly unusual
relationship on a very much professional basis, however as time moved on and I
moved on within myself, it progressed into more of a friendship and now Mark is
someone who I have a huge respect, admiration and love for, and it is for this
reason that I nearly didn’t go to Medugorje at all.
When I first
heard of the planned trip to Medugorje I thought that I’d love to go, I’d heard
a lot about Medugorje, it was somewhere I’d never been and also it wasn’t going
to cost me anything!! I chewed it over in my head for a while and came close to
asking Mark if there was a place a number of times. The thing that stopped me
was that I questioned my motives for wanting to go, I had a rough idea about
the spiritual nature of Medugorje and also knew that it would in no way do me
any harm to go and see what all the fuss was about. I also knew that it is a
place that Mark holds very close to his heart and while wanting to go I kept
thinking to myself “Am I just in this
for the free holiday?” It was this question, combined with my respect for Mark
that kept me from asking if I could go. However a week or so later I got a
phone call, asking if I would like to go, I told him my thinking around the
whole thing, and long story short, was told not to worry about it and Hey
presto I was off to Medugorje!!
We all met up
about a week before we went to Medugorje, nothing unusual in this really, I
knew most of the people who were going on the trip, knew where we were going
and knew when we were going. The only unusual thing about it was that I was
looking forward to it!! Now that might seem strange to you, why would it be
unusual that I was looking forward to going away somewhere? Well I’m one of
those people who doesn’t get excited about a whole lot of things, and the
things I do get excited about are not the usual kinds of things you’d think a
person would get excited about. To me Christmas is just another day, my
birthdays are just me getting older, I’ve been away before and the only time I
got butterflies was when we hit turbulence on the way over!! But as was said to
me once before, when a steak (a 10oz one no less!) and chips with pepper sauce
was put in front of me, “you get more excited about food than you do sex”!! So
here I was, a week away from going to a place that half scared me, half puzzled
me and I was excited about it? I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why or
what it was all about.
So anyway I
got to Medugorje in the end, nothing to uneventful after everything, other than
the flight being delayed by an hour or so! The first thing I remember about it was
that we landed in Croatia, which was up until only recently fighting a huge war
and not the safest place in the world to
be!! Anyway this meant that we had a 3 hour coach ride to Medugorje. We hopped
on the bus, got the usual tourist blurbs from some tour rep “welcome to
We got up the
next morning, and we roughly found out the plan for the week, there was going
to mass every morning, visits to this place, that place, a hill and a mountain
to climb. I think one of the first things we did was to climb the little hill
that they have in Medugorje, this is the hill where 26 years ago the children
received their visions. So off we set for the hill, at 6am I think (I love my
bed by the way!!). Before we had even got to the hill everyone was saying the
rosary, fine fair enough says’ me, I don’t know it, I’ll just have a little
think to myself and they can do what ever they want to do!! We got to the
bottom of the hill anyway and the guide explained that we’d be doing the
Stations of the Cross and saying the rosary on the way up. Now, the Stations of
the Cross I had pretty much never heard of and the rosary I was getting sick
off at this stage. Then as we start walking up the hill, all these people start
taking their shoes off……….. Now here I am looking at the ground, it’s full of
rocks that look sharp enough to split your foot open and here’s all these
nutcases tacking there shoes off!!!
So anyway we
walked up the hill saying the rosary, to say that I was not a happy bunny would
have been an understatement, I was knackered, I’d had very little sleep and
here I was walking up a hill with a load of people who were repeating the same
thing over and over again. This is where I think my battle began, I couldn’t
fathom what it was all about, to me this rosary business just sounded like a
chant, like a bunch off sheep if you will, saying the same thing over and over
again and yet not knowing why they were saying it. I can remember walking back
from the hill on the way back to the hotel and I noticed that we were all
walking in a straight line, one behind the other. I just looked at it and
thought “we’re all behaving like fucking sheep………. Well I’m no sheep and I’m
not going to be a sheep” Excuse the language but I was an angry person then,
especially when I realised that I had no choice but to follow them!!.
Now after this
its all quite a blur, I cant remember the order that things happened in and I’m
not even going to even try as I don’t believe its hugely important. So I’m just
going to tell them as the come into my head. The first thing that comes to mind
is when we went to one of the apparitions, for those of you who don’t know,
Medugorje is the home or former home of 6 children who 26 years ago all
received a visit (apparition) from our lady, also known as Mary (Jesus’ mother
to the uneducated amongst us, such as myself!) some of these adults, as they
are now, still receive visions daily at 6:40pm, some receive them once a month
and others once a year. We were lucky in that we had managed to be there while
one of the visionaries who receive one apparition a month was due one that
week, and we were going to it.
So anyway we
get to this apparition a couple hours early, so I ran off acting the idiot, taking
the Mickey out of a certain nationality (who will remain nameless!!!!) and
decided that I was going to try and get my way to the front. It didn’t happen
(due to this certain nationality I reckon, but that’s a whole other story!!)
What did happen though was that whilst I was trying to get my way to the front,
pushing old grannies and little children out of the way and what have you!! I realised
to myself that this wasn’t what this was all about, so I said to myself “Right
Simon, here you are, you said you were going to give this a chance and this
isn’t the way to do it, if you want to see anything it isn’t your eyes you need
to be looking with” so I just stood there, I was about 10 -12 rows away from
the front, couldn’t see a thing, the only way that I could see what was going
on upfront was by looking at the peoples video cameras, as they had them held
up and pointed down at were all the “action” was going to happen. I decided to
myself that I wasn’t going to look at them and in my head I said “Ok if this is
all true then give me a sign, show me something”
Now what
happened next is slightly weird, as I said before I was about 10 or 12 rows
away from the front but there were probably about another 10 rows of people
behind me. The place was packed and there were only a few windows in the
building so it was pretty hot in there. So here I am standing there looking
around at nothing in particular and not thinking about a whole lot, how long it
was going to be before I got a smoke probably! When next thing I know all of a
sudden I got this big shiver down my spine, the sort of shiver you get and then
you’d say “someone’s just walked over my grave”. Then I felt this really cool
breeze go rushing past me, not particularly cold or anything but just a nice
refreshing kind of breeze. So I turned round and was looking for a fan or
something trying to figure out where this breeze had come from, just as I
turned round the whole room fell deathly silent, not a peep out of anyone, not
even that certain nationality who didn’t seem to know how to keep their mouths
closed for longer than 10 seconds!! So I figured that the apparition was
happening right then. Anyway that went on for a couple of minutes and then it
was all back to normal, business as usual and I legged it out for a smoke. Now
I was a bit puzzled by all of what had happened while I was in there, this
whole breeze/shiver thing happening to me right before the apparition struck me
as a little odd and I couldn’t make sense of it so I went round and asked a
couple of the lads who’d been in there if they’d felt any sort of breeze while
they were in there and what they thought of the whole apparition thing. None of
them said that they’d felt a breeze of any sort and didn’t have too much to say
at the time about the whole thing. So by this stage my head was starting to go
into meltdown, I had an idea what had happened in there but didn’t for the life
of me want to admit it to myself. So I went off to someone and told them what
had happened to me while I was in there and that I couldn’t figure it out. She
told me pretty much what I had been expecting to hear, that I had sensed our
lady appearing, I’d been lucky in that I’d asked for a sign and I’d got one.
Now I was pretty sceptical of the whole thing, found it a little weird to say
the least that I’d felt our Mary appearing. After all we were talking about me,
someone who was never christened, had probably been to church a grand total of
20 times in my entire life and while I didn’t exactly disbelieve in God, found
a little strange that there was this all powerful being. Fine, if there is a
God then prove it to me, was my usual line on it.
Anyway we
headed off from the apparition and an hour or so later we went to some chapel
or other for a special mass. I was sat in the van on the way over there and was
still thinking about what had happened during the apparition. I kept trying to
explain it away to myself, but the more I thought about it the more I kept
dismissing my own excuses, which ranged from thinking that there was someone
stood behind me winding me up and blowing on the back of my neck, to just
saying to myself that it was all a big coincidence. But none of them would wash
with me and I ended up deciding that now matter how hard i tried I couldn’t
explain it away and that something quite extraordinary had happened to me and
that there was no denying it. Once I came to this conclusion I actually felt
pretty calm about, I felt actually quite good in myself, fine, what had
happened had happened and although I couldn’t explain it I could except and
understand it, just so long as I didn’t try to explain it all in my head, anyway
we got to this chapel and went off for the mass. Now I can’t remember the name
of this place but apparently it’s so holy that just by walking into it you’re
automatically forgiven, kind of like a confession for the lazy!! I remember
thinking that well if that’s true then they’ve got their work cut cleansing my
soul!!
Now things
kind of went a bit pear shaped for me in here as well. We all went over for the
mass and after a few minutes of it the priest said that he was going to invite
us up to place our hand on the alter as a sign of offering ourselves to God.
Now I decided that this was a jump to far for me, I wasn’t ready to offer
myself up to someone who I didn’t know whether or not I believed in, and I
wasn’t going to go up and put my hand on there as I wasn’t sure and the only
thing in my book worse than ignoring someone is to let them into your life and
then turn your back on them. Some people may think that putting your hand on an
alter is nothing major but to me it would have been a big thing and not something
I was willing to do. The only problem with my decision was that a big part of
me wanted to get up and put my hand there and for about 10 minutes I fought the
whole decision over and over in my mind. It got to the stage where there were
tears streaming down my face and I was seriously, seriously angry, all I wanted
to do was run out of the church but I wouldn’t as I would have disturbed the
whole mass. So I waited until the communion and as I can’t receive the
communion I took this as my cue and made a sharp exit out into the garden found
myself a quiet corner, sat down and cried like a baby for about 10 minutes.
Then the old head started up again and I sat there trying to figure out what
the bloody hell was going on with me, why was I crying so much? What was going
on with me? Why was I in so much pain? I remember thinking to myself that the
last time I’d cried like that was at my granddads funeral. I looked up after a
while and realised that I was sat in a graveyard, now I hadn’t known where I
was going at the time, I’d just gone on autopilot and found the first quiet
shady corner I saw and sat down in it. So I looked up and round the graveyard,
I was admiring it actually, was quite a nice graveyard, (as graveyards go
anyway!) and then I remembered that the last time I cried like this I was in a
graveyard and here I was in a graveyard and crying like a baby again. But why?
Thinks me, what is going on? Why am I so sad? What is this all about? What am I
mourning? Then the thought occurs to me, well maybe I’m mourning myself, maybe
there’s a part of me dying in this graveyard. Yeah but what part of me? What
the hell is going on? Anyway by this time the mass had finished and I could
hear them all wandering around outside, next thing Mark pops his head around
the corner and comes walking over to me to se if I was ok. So up wanders Mark
and the first thing he say’s to me is “Did you see that cross behind you?” To
which I replied “Mark, leave it out, I don’t care, I’ve had enough holy crap to
do me for one day” He said fine fair enough but he urged me to turn around and
look at it. I turned around anyway and next thing I see is a cross/headstone
staring at me with the name Simonovic on it, turns out that I’d been sitting
straight in front of a cross with the Croat (or whatever language) equivalent
of my name on it. I won’t write what came out of my mouth but I can assure you
it was colourful!!! Now to say that I was freaked on the way back would be
something of an understatement, all of these strange “coincidences”, all of
this “holy stuff”, far from me feeling any sort of peace it had turned me into
an anti-Christ if anything, I was not a happy bunny!!
Another time
that sticks out in my mind is when we all climbed the mountain (another
stupidly early start!!). Now I have to say I had actually been looking forward
to this part of it, don’t know why, I just wanted to be able to say that I’d
climbed a mountain probably!! We’d
decided to go up in our own little group instead of with the big group as we
had with the hill. So off we went on our way up the mountain, saying the rosary
and also stopping every so often as they had the Stations of the Cross on the
way up the mountain. Now it had started of similar to the hill in that a few
people had whipped off their shoe’s (although not as many for some strange
reason!!) and I’d looked around and thought “Nutters, you wouldn’t see me doing
that!!” After a while, somewhere around the 3rd or 4th
station I started to get these strange thoughts into my head…… I was thinking
about taking my shoes off!!! I remember sitting down and having a little
conversation with myself about whether or not to take them off, the end result
of which was something along the lines of “Nah sod that for a game of soldiers,
those rocks don’t look very comfortable!” So I set off for the next station with
my nice comfortable shoes on, then I got to the next station and all this
strange thinking started again…… only this time something strange really did
happen…….. I sat down and took my shoes off!! Now I still to this day don’t
know why I did that, I didn’t know then and I don’t know now, in fact if you
put me back in that situation again there would be no chance of the shoes
coming off!!
So here I am,
half way up a mountain, no shoes on, walking on some fairly sharp looking
rocks, and for all I was concerned, starting to lose a few marbles. I don’t
really remember a whole lot about the actual journey up the mountain until we
got to the top. One of the things that we had done was to all pick one of the
Stations of the Cross each and when we reached our station we got a chance to
say something and to share our own intention with the group. Now I’d picked the
penultimate station, I’d picked it because it was the one I had the most
trouble relating to…….. This is where Jesus die’s, signifying the death of sin,
and yet we are all born with original sin………. Suffice to say I started picking
holes in it straight away, it just didn’t make any sense to me. So anyway we’d
got to my station and it was my turn to say something, I hadn’t got a clue what
I was going to say as I hadn’t really been thinking about it, in fact the whole
trip up the mountain had been fairly easy, surprisingly enough my feet weren’t
sore at all, more than a few times I remember thinking to my how painless it
was. A station or two before the top I can remember thinking how easy on the
feet it was and then straight after that I remember thinking “This is
pointless, it isn’t my feet he wants” Now exactly what I meant by that I wasn’t
sure so I just carried on up the mountain.
Anyway back to the top of the mountain, as I said, I hadn’t got a clue
what to say at my station, so the first thing I did was to tell everyone about
the whole shoe thing. Now this bit I remember vividly……….. I told them that I
still didn’t know why I’d taken my shoes off and that I’d nearly put them back
on ………….. “I remember thinking that this is pointless….. It isn’t my body he
wants……. He can have that whenever he wants……… it’s my heart he wants” ……. Cue
the water works!!!!!! The thing was that this time I had actually understood
what I was saying (probably for the first time on the trip!!) and I just got
this huge wave of emotion sweeping over me. In that instant I got a glimpse of
something so powerful, so huge, so loving, so vast and yet so simple……. For the
first time in my life I had properly opened my eyes to the possibility of God
and I was blown away with what I felt. I was as calm and as happy as I had ever
been before. My head hadn’t got a clue what was going on, what it had just seen
and yet I knew that it didn’t matter because I knew in my heart and in my soul
what it was all about and that my head wasn’t meant to understand. It was some
experience I can tell you, one that I will never forget and find it hard to
find the words to even begin to express it fully. Oh by the way, it turns out
that the station where I took my shoes off was the station where Simon of
Serene had to carry Jesus’ cross up the mountain for him. This I found out at
the top of the mountain……… Cue more colourful language!!!
So there’s
just a few things that happened while I was in Medugorje, there were many more
but I think I’ve pretty much highlighted the main ones and if I was to detail
the whole trip I would probably be writing for the rest of my life!!!!! What is
probably more important is, How has this experience impacted on my life? Well a
big thing would be that I now pray!! Not every day but I pray, I don’t always
know who I’m praying to or even what I’m praying for, all I know is that I’m
praying to someone and for someone. I try not to deliberately hold people in my
thoughts whilst I’m praying as I trust that whoever needs my prayers will
receive them, and if people do come into my head, well then I reckon that they’re
meant to be there. It has given me a sense of well being, a sense of trust.
Again sometimes I don’t always know what I’m trusting in but I know I’m
trusting in something. Another thing I learnt due to Medugorje was how to be
more selfless (something I have always struggled with) I have learnt the value
of patience with others, I’m still far from a saint but I can now see that
there are times that no matter how much my patience is tested, no matter how
much is asked of me, the best course of action for everyone involved is for me
to go that extra yard or two. To give that little bit extra in the hope of
helping that person, for there are some times that it’s only when I give of
myself that I can truly see and understand someone else’s struggle and hope to
be of any help to them.
Possibly the
most important thing I had gained is the knowledge that there is another
option, there is another way. This has impacted on me in both my private and
professional life, more than once since I got back from Medugorje I’ve been
talking to people at work and there have seemed to be no options open to that
person, or they’ve been stuck as to what to do next, I’ve simply turned round
to them and said “well why don’t you say a prayer?” This has also happened in
my own life, a couple of times while I’ve been pondering my own personal issues,
starting to get a headache, that I’ve wandered into a church said a couple of
decades of the rosary and got some peace.
I’m not going
to pretend that I have a huge faith or belief, I still struggle hugely with the
whole idea of an omnipotent being somewhere up above seeing and hearing all.
That is something I think is too big a leap of faith for me at the moment. What
I do now know however is that there is something inside of me over which I have
no control, something that no matter how hard I was to try could not be got rid
of, could not be lost and will always guide me in the right direction, so long
as I’m willing to listen to it. As I said at some stage of the Medugorje trip I
can’t yet believe in an all powerful being, a God somewhere overhead …….. But
if I want to find God then the best place to start looking is in my heart as
that’s the place he’s most likely to be. I was talking to someone about the
whole Medugorje experience after I got back, telling them a few of the things
that happened while I was there and explaining some of my confusion around it
all. The reply I got was along the lines of “I think you already have a big
faith, its just a question of whether or not you want to accept it ” While I
think she was mainly right, the way I see it now is that it’s not a question of
whether or not I’m willing to accept my faith, but more a case of when I’m
going to stop denying it.
So there we
go, that is some of my experiences from Medugorje and of the people of Gra, a
place and people that have given me so much, shown me so much and will always
have a special place in my heart. If anyone reading this has the chance to go,
or is even thinking about it then I would urge you to go, I don’t know what
will happen for you, what you’ll find if you do go, maybe something, maybe
nothing……. but if nothing else you’ll get a hell of a suntan!!
So anyway, that’s
about me for now, just one thing remains, at the beginning I said I wasn’t sure
who had actually asked me to write this testimony. Well during the time I’ve
spent writing this the answer to that question has become fairly obvious to me.
Another question has sprung to mind however, I know who has me writing this………
who has you reading it???.....
Take care,
Simon.